I had many reasons to celebrate the beginning of 2011: a whole year and a bit since Worlds Worst Breakup, a year since I’d lobbed into beautiful exciting Melbourne, and the vain but overwhelming hope: No More PsychoButches….
You see, the Psycho Butch (PB) is the sort of creature who slimes out from under her rock when she gets the whiff of a broken-hearted femme. The details of the femme’s breakup aren’t important (only the PBs breakups count) nor are the interests and inclinations of the femme. What matters is that the femme appears lost and desperate (in my case, quite so) and the PB knows she doesnt stand a chance with anyone neither of those.
And so, I begin. First let me say you are about to read thinly-disguised portrayals of PBs we probly all know. And I mean that in the broadest possible sense, in that we all KNOW PBs just like these. You may actually know these PBs in real life. Goddess help you.
My disclaimer: this is all my truth. If you want YOUR truth, dont be a lazy bitching bore, write it yourself. Use mine as a link if you’re really outraged. I fancy that idea lots.
As for the below PBs, SUE ME FUCKERS. I suggest you get therapy first, but I really don’t care.
Ok, well no list would be complete without my X, a very gorgeous part-time PB with intermittent tendencies to dissemble, pick up repulsive morbidly obese piles of sloppy shit grrls and insist I welcome them into our menage, detach completely from me on a dime, fall madly in love with said filthy pile of rat piss, then dump the lot. Get maggoted drunk at parties and flirt with the fugliest, messiest chick there. Over and over. I wasnt into any of this. Thats why we broke up, after 7 years. My X insists she is NOTHING LIKE these other PBs. She has a point. I still love her cos she’s so fucking gorgeous and lovable, and funny and smart…. erm unlike anyone else below. But really she’s also here to indicate that unfortunately maybe I have a sneaking attraction for PBs, one Im trying to conquer via a few methods, including this blog.
Ok, PB#1 – lets call her ET, like the alien. ET was quick off the mark. She emailed me via a friend within weeks of my breakup..
PB TIP NO. 1 – the biggest PBs are those who attempt to jump on your bones while the imprint of your X is still warm. HAVE NOTHING TO DO with anyone who tries to crack on to you in the first 6 months after breakup. They are the worst offenders and the original sinners, on the PB Honor Roll. Shake, do not bake.
ET seemed human enough. I’m a sucker for a great writer and ET is a very bright, quick-witted interesting person. However after looking her up on my beloved Facebook I quickly realised ET seemed to have a male partner and kids she had neglected to mention. When quizzed about this, ET breezily admitted, yes, all that was the case but she had two very separate lives. And a bad breakup with her last female X.
PB TIP NO.2 – PBs with tragic tales of their latest X are to be strenuously avoided. The more disastrous the tale, the more you should keep your distance. They are looking for a patsy femme, a sweet pile of titty nothing who would never ever diddums hurt Daddy like dat nasty last bitch etc etc… Next.
I listened to ETs forlorn post-breakup blues and have to admit I was moved by it. See, thats how it works. You open your heart, and praps are not at all prepared for – yes! – another PB.
Howver, at first I turned down ETs offer of some sort of connection because of the family thing. My X had had kids too – I don’t – and the last thing I wanted in my life again, however casually, was the Kid Komplications.
PB TIP NO. 3 – Listen for what they’re NOT telling you. A True PB will have a creative reconstruction of their lives that leave out vital events and circumstances.
However in a weak and horny moment a few months later I emailed her and we started corresponding. Now this was where I really started to ponder how anyone gets it together to have an internet romance. Text is tricky and very removed from absolutely anything REAL. ET indicated she liked my Top Femme-iness, then was repulsed by virtually all of my suggestions about what I wanted to do with her. She was a switch but I quickly realised she was one of those fussy dull bottoms who has so many parameters around what they’ll do that you end up doing nothing. Or just a big ol set-in-her-ways Top Butch (yawwwwn) who was lying about the bottom thing to suck me in cos really she prefers to do things her own way. Always. Totally not my type. Still I persisted. Sadly I loved her text, if not her.
We finally meet in Sydney, my hometown. It was not an auspicious meeting. And quite bizarrely so… She’s OK looking, not really my type – I’m a shortarse but I like taller butches, at least 5’6″ and upwards. But still, whatever, she has a very very cute norrrty butch face. Very important for me, being a huge face person.
We get to talking on my sister’s lounge and she asks me, do I look like my photos? Yes, I say happily enough, yes, you do. Do I look like mine? I ask. Yes, she says, only I’m glad you’re not a midget. A what? I gasp. A midget, she repeats. What’s that got to do with anything, I ask. She then proceeds to tell me that she has a midget phobia, dating back to when she was a child. I cannot believe I’m hearing this shit and the whole fantasy comes crashing down. I explain that that’s as stupid as when the Irish kid in the classroom is mean to you once so you hate them forever or some such, but she doesnt get it. I explain that I thought she knew I was a disability activist and what she has just said is the equivalent of racism. She doesnt get it. Im aghast. She then goes on to say, I dont do anger. I dont get that either – everyone gets angry, I say, whats the problem? No, she says, she doesnt do it, and smiles that slow crocodile smile.
PB TIP NO. 4 – if the PB asserts it doesnt do Anger or any other interesting emotion, drop PB IMMEDIATELY. Do not hesitate. All that expression means is that they give themselves free rein to get as angry (or whatever) as hell, but wont recognise a second of it as being theirs. And they will blame everybody conceivably else for their emotional display. Denial is Death. Skip.
She leaves. We carry on corresponding and really I love her updates and turn of phrase, but dont like her much at all. One day out of the blue the PB not only dumps me as her FB friend but blocks me as well. I email and text her asking why, and no answer. The True PB is one to make her mind up about stuff with no explanations and no reasoning. Farewell my lovely first major PB, how glad I am I no longer have you in my life….
PB no.2 is unfortunately just my physical type, big, muscly, musical. expressive, colorful, all that yummy stuff. But totally a PB. This one however is all my fault cos I pursued her, not yet being attuned to the latent PBness lurking under that yummy exterior. Again we met in Sydney and hit it off really well. We were quite connected and comfortable together. Big plus – no midget or other bizarre phobia. That I know of…
PB TIP NO. 5 – beware of an immediate accord. Why are you connecting so hard so fast with an immediate stranger? Because you are both faking it, madly projecting and not at all revealing who you are….
I take full responsibility for leading PB 2 on. I ended up flying her down to Melbourne and putting her up at an expensive hotel because I could – and because I had this crazy idea that we could collaborate on a script Im working on. PB 2 seemed perfect – adept in performance, interesting etc. One disquieting element – she had another tragic X tale – complicated and still together but with an unwanted 3rd party, I never did work it out but it nevertheless preoccupied PB 2s consciousness.
The Melbourne trip was a disaster. PBs latent PBness was on the rise the whole trip but truly did rise to the occasion full force at an event I took her along to as my guest when a very dear friend of mine was leaving his workplace. PB2 acted as though the event was about her, insisting my friend accompany her outside to watch her perform, then doing the same to me. Unlike my friend I complied but Im afraid my desire was talking louder than my reason, as well as those lil alarm bells…. PB2 then ran amuck with the guests, telling one manager how we should best stage an upcoming event, asking a young butch friend to sit on her lap, on and on. She left the next day – no, we didnt have sex THANK FUCK – and the next day my phone and ears ran hot with complaints from people she’d offended.
Oh well, ok maybe it was just a bad night. I whizzed PB2 off a pointed email where I explained the aftermath of her visit and asked her what was going on. It was at this crashing moment that her complex PBness came to the fore with a virulent diatribe from her blaming me for all of it. It was quite the most unapologetic driveling nasty rant Ive probly ever received in my life.
PB TIP NO. 6 – it is best not to engage with the PB where the essential PBness is revealed. Back away. It can only get worse…
I sent her back a polite enough reply, suggesting she reconsider the events and her behaviours. Our correspondence ended there. I defriended her but didnt block her. Hell, blocking is for complete 100% arseholes you wish were dead. I only have one of those.
PB no.3 I met in Melbourne. PB3 considers herself only a Top Butch (ho hum) and is not attractive. We met at a night out and realised we had known of each other through an Australian lesbian dating site. PB3 got drunker and tried to chat me up. I explained I loathed alcohol and only went there occasionally so no thanks. PB3 didnt understand any of that. As far as PB3 was concerned I was meat, and disabled meat at that, and I should be grateful. Who I actually was was unimportant. I left. Yes, I know this one’s is short and not sweet but you could say by this time, over half way through the year, I could spot a PB a mile off. There is a sniff.
PB TIP NO. 7 – a very easy way to spot the PB is to attempt to talk to it when you are out. A true PB will not hear a word you say, or keep asking, What? And expect you to repeat it. That’s ok if you have hearing loss, but under no other circumstances is that ok otherwise. Get away from PB. It will only end in tears even if only for a night. No one wants to fuck a douchebag. Not even once.
PB no. 4, another Melbourne lovely. PB4 is so cute that this story is a total shame and Im at a loss to cover it, but I must. I had originally met PB4 somewhere else, but only got to know her in Melb. Again, we connected well when we first spent time together and while I didnt get that sexual energy dynamic happening, I thought we could be friends. We both needed friends. We spent a few jolly months meeting up here and there and corresponding a bit, then going out a bit, by ourselves and with other friends, and it was fun and she was funny and happy.
PB TIP NO. 8 – the PBs facebook/online behaviours will be erratic and unpredictable. The PB is the one who writes negative shit all over other peoples’ walls, like ‘I dont like this’, ‘Could you stop posting this’, ‘pissed off Im not there’, ‘I dont eat/drink/do that’, as well as posting on events’ walls why they wont be there. Unless they’re the organisers, who cares? Only the PB. Pass.
But then one night PB4 suddenly changed… We were at a big performance venue and I had got us a cab there and got us in past the queue out the front, playing my cripple card. I was a bit excited pre-show and we had ok enough seats and the place has maybe 500 people in it and bars and different levels, all very gorgeous and we are sipping our drinks in the pre-show hum and fuck knows what Im saying really when suddenly PB4 leans in with a smirk and says cuttingly, Do you ever shut up? Gobsmacked. Wow, I lead a fucking brilliant life cos you know what? No one has ever insulted me like that before… Especially when we are just starting a friendship. I might let my sisters get away with that but even they wouldnt say that… So lucky me, I exist in a yummy dynamic bubble of love where fuck me if everyone doesnt just always say the craziest shirt and enjoy saying it – and hell, Ive worked as a radio journalist for 20 years and have been at times BORED DEAD by people, and never ONCE have I said that either…..
I think I gulped and carried on and shut up cos I am after all a nice bourgeois grrrl and anxious not to make a fuss in public. I moved my chair a lil away from her, watched the show, thanked her, left.
PB TIP NO. 9 – Watch the PBs social behaviour. How comfortable is PB in public? If PB is awkward, clingy, pissed off, absent, drunk, AVOID.
The lil sojourn with PB4 came to a shuddering halt after another social event where a good and new friend came along. In the preshow warmup we were talking about love, all of us somewhat heartbroken. I made a joke to PB4 about the way that lesbians swear they will never fall in love again and in the blink of an eye they’re virtually married and living together yada yada. PB4 took unwieldy offence at this remark and practically bit my head off at the gay table, insisting (stupidly) she would NEVER fall in love again, never ever, ho fucking hum. Bummer was if PB4 had a grain of thought for anyone else at the table, it goes like this: our friend was a recent breakup trying to pull herself together, mine was a year old, and crankyfuckballstupid pants was 2 years away from her breakup, had said all this before and was not only rude but a crashing bore as well… A deadly combination.
To cap it off again an email exchange where I accused her of being aggressive but she replied saying I was, like a game of Simple Simon. When I asked what was so aggressive about my preshow remarks, poor ol PB4 admitted that wasnt her best behaviour. But importantly, she had to be pressed to say this, being quite happy to blame her ridiculous reactions on me. I feel for PB4 cos she really is a great person, but far out, she has some work ahead of her. I told her being with her was too much hard work and to get back to me when she had learnt some manners. I wish her well.
PB TIP NO. 10 – in communications with a PB, be very clear and concise. A true PB will only read the first word or so of every sentence, and be working themselves up into a reactive defensive fury, their favourite mode of expression. Their default position, you might call it. They wont read what you’ve actually written. Keep sentences short.
PB5 is not officially butch and should be in another category but hell, at this point, this behaviour is so classically PB that it belongs here. PB5 is a much younger person who I met at a Melbourne event. PB5 liked the performance I gave that night and we chatted. I thought PB5 was cute but kept non-comittal about what I would be up to… Not long after PB5 posted that they really wanted sex. So did I so posted PB5 that I was up for it if PB was. PB was and we exchanged nos. PB texted first, a brief hello. I texted back telling PB5 I thought they were cute so lets meet up for dinner or coffee and chat about who we were and what we liked to see if we had stuff in common. A non-threatening enough message, I wouldve thought. But PB5 made the mistake of not replying for more than 24 hours, not even a friendly, ok lets do that, or a friendly, oh well no, im not up for that. Any response would have been gracious especially when as I might draw your attention to it, I was the one who had put my neck on the line and told PB5 they were cute. And during this time PB% was online, indicating there were no probs technology-wise.
So being the feisty wordsmith that I am I fired one off saying I withdrew my offer and thought leaving that text unanswered for over 24 hours was rude and slack, considering I was the one taking the risk. What is wrong with these PBs? Have they no refinement whatsover? PB5 did reply, claiming shyness. Well! I fucking DETEST shy people. I find them really selfish and solipsistic – ooooh everyone, im not capable of good communicating cos im so fucking SHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY – bullshit. Shy people are only ever thinking about themselves and their pathetic puling lil problems, never once considering that maybe everyone is sensitive, not just them… And in any case, far out how much more detached from shyness reactive potential is a fucking text? And after all, there were only 2 answers, either of which I was happy to receive – yes lets meet, or no, not interested. How much easier could it be?
PB TIP NO. 11 – be extremely judgemental about PBs text communications. If PB seems abrupt, disengaged, withdrawn in text, dont assume its you reading too much into it. That’s what they’re like in real life. Sever with kindness and compassion.
Aaah well, all this venting brings me to the present day. I could tell you more on the psycho butch scale stories, but Im hoping you get my points by now.
Just glancing over what I have written – a quickly-written vomited toxic brew of bruised feelings and confusion, I probably should have titled this, HOW TO HANDLE A TOP FEMME. But THE YEAR OF THE PSYCHO BUTCH sounds better.
I hope you feel provoked to tell me what a nasty cunt I am. Bring it.